Techies in Heaven
The perfect Blackout
A Stagehand and a Lighting Designer stood under the same falling truss, and both were killed. They arrived in heaven together (all techies go to heaven…), and at the pearly gates, St. Peter shook their hands and asked for their last wishes. The LD was the quickest of the two, and said: ” In all my life, I’ve never seen a perfect blackout. Could you please turn off all the lights for just one second?”
St. Peter said that it might be difficult, but he turned on his headset and asked God if he could take down the grand master for a second. Fortunately, God was in the mood that day, due to enough coffee at the light-console, so he tapped the DBO key. It went completely dark, there was no spill from the blues, exit signs, DSM desk, music stands not even a glow from a lighting board monitor. It lasted for 4 seconds when the lights came up again St Peter had gone and the pearly gates had been struck.
The perfect show?
A famous director, having died of late, arrives at the Pearly Gates. He is greeted by St. Peter, who is delighted to see him.
Peter: Great! We were waiting for you! God’s producing a show, and we need a director.
Director: No, no, no! I am done! I have been directing for thirty years and I want to rest. Eternally. Get someone else.
Peter: But you don’t understand. We have a script by Shakespeare.
Director: Sounds great… I’ll see it opening night. I won’t do it.
Peter: Our set design is a collaborative effort between Leonardo da Vinci and M.C. Escher.
Director: Well, I really do need some time off. Maybe next time.
Peter: It’s a Bach score! C’mon, you’ve got to do it!
Director: You tempt me, Peter…
Peter: Here’s the clincher. You’ve got an open budget, a tech crew known for getting stuff in early, and all the audition material you could dream of.
Director: Okay, okay. I’ll do it. Where’s the stage manager?
Peter: Over there. But first, there is something I have to tell you. You see, God’s got a girlfriend, like, and she sings…
The Genie
A stage Manager, a Sound Technician and a Lighting Designer find a bottle in a corner of the theatre. One of them rubs it and a genie pops out.
“Since you all found me,” he says “you each get one wish.” The Sound Technician steps up and says, “I’d like a million dollars and three beautiful women.” POOF! – The Sound Tech is gone.
The Lighting Designer steps up and says, “Well, if he can have that, I’d like TEN million dollars, and my own personal island with fifteen beautiful women!” POOF! The Lighting Designer is gone.
The Stage Manager steps up and says, “I’d like them both back in ten minutes.”
